The Big Lie
December 1st marked my 5th sober-versary from alcohol, yet somehow three weeks passed by before I even realized the milestone had been reached.
5 years.
Something that once seemed so far away, so out of reach, arrived silently in the stillness of night completely undetected. A mere whisper to mark the passing of time. It wasn’t until the night of the Winter Solstice as I set my intentions during the long, dark night that I finally realized my sober anniversary had passed. Sitting in the snow amongst friends, with the heat of a large bonfire on my face, I took a moment to quietly close my eyes and honor my growth before rejoining the solstice celebration around me.
Winter Solstice celebration in the woods
The next day I felt guilty for letting the anniversary pass without acknowledgement, as if by not honoring it I was declaring it unimportant. I felt guilty that sobriety feels easy now, leaving me to once again doubt if I was ever ‘drunk enough’ to earn sobriety in the first place. That same doubt that kept me from returning to church basement meetings and anonymous groups for help so long ago sits with me now in other ways…
And that’s where I found it… the big lie I’d been holding on to all this time… that alcohol was the root of all my problems and I was cursed to live out the rest of my days in agony of it. But truth is, alcohol wasn’t the root of my problem.
In truth, it had been my solution.
Where I spent the first 3 years of sobriety learning how to live without alcohol, I’ve spent the last 2 years coming to terms with why I felt I needed it so desperately in the first place. Five years of self-reflection, learning, and relearning to realize I had been running from myself all along. I had been trying to escape my feelings, my thoughts, for my entire life. It was exhausting.
Discomfort is not a punishment. It’s a feedback mechanism, a divining rod that points directly at the most sacred part of us. The areas most ripe for growth.
My husband often tells me “how cute” it is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Whether I wanted people to see it or not, it was true, and I used to wave his comment off as if it could make it not so. Now, for the first time in my life, I am making a conscious effort to accept myself for who I truly am… a deeply feeling human being. One who cries easily from pain and joy, one who laughs loudly, a wild bark emanating from deep within my body. A dreamer who believes in unconditional love, inner beauty, magic, connection with nature, and the incomparable power of self-mastery. Curious, searching, always on a quest for new discoveries.
Months spent in meditative excavation of my own psyche and personal beliefs helped me build a new foundation from which to move forward. A peaceful sense of relief washed over and through me as the acknowledgement of my true self settled in and took hold. Finally able to see myself for who I’ve always known myself to be, I was able to call her back up and give her the reigns.
I gave up my need for constant self-control and containment to make way for a new journey to begin.
Without remorse.
Without regret.
I stepped aside so she could step forth and lead us into a new rebellion…
What does this rebellion look like? Rather than focusing on how I can ignore a craving to drink, or to numb myself in someway, I ask myself directly, “What is the REAL reason you want to drink/smoke/f#ck/shop/numb out right now?”.
Answer: I’m tense, I can’t relax. It’s like I’ve forgotten to do something.
Rebel Me: Go deeper. What’s it feel like in your body?
Answer: I feel like I have to tackle my to-do list but I’m tired and I don’t want to. I feel energy twitching and firing in me, telling me to move. At least wine would relax me so I don’t care as much.
Rebel Me: Go deeper. Where did it begin? Is there an outside expectation are you trying to live up to? Are you living for your desires and beliefs, or are you trying to check the boxes and ‘do the thing’ so you’ll somehow be excepted?
I pushed back on myself until it became clear… what I actually felt was powerlessness. Disconnection. Fear. I felt all alone.
That’s the funny thing about belonging - the more you try to fit everyone else’s expectations, the farther you veer from your true self and thus the farther you separate yourself from the people and places where you can be true to yourself. Whether you call it a life change, a resolution, or even Dry January, ask yourself the hard questions about the things you want to leave behind…
Why do you feel you need [your crutch] right NOW?
Is there physical discomfort in your body? Locate it, describe it in your mind. What part of not having a cigarette, a drink, or a full shopping bag makes you feel this discomfort?
What are my beliefs that make me feel like this? Where did the “should be”, “should accomplish”, ideas originate? Now ask yourself, are these beliefs you want to continue to follow?
You can ask yourself “is there something healthier I can try when I feel like this?“. If I feel overwhelmed at a concert or out with friends, I excuse myself to the ladies room and stay a while, trying to just breathe and relax. I try to find the origin of the discomfort and acknowledge it so I can move on. Other methods that have worked for me are mountain biking, taking a long shower, meditation, journaling, gardening, and watching sunsets.
Or if you are struggling to handle the physical, electric feeling in your body, tense every single muscle in your body and count to three, then relax. Repeat it three times. Do you still feel the same static tension?
Conversely, if you are adding new habits in the new year like reading more books, spending time with family, cooking or baking at home, focus on the outcome of how you’ll feel each time you do it. What is the result you anticipate? Imagine the joy of a fresh muffin off the cooling rack, the sound of your child’s uncaged laughter, the endorphins after a run, the strength and pride found at the top of your first pull-up, the energy that builds while practicing a musical instrument.
Whatever it is that brings energy and light into your body, do that. It doesn’t have to be pious or ‘proper’, not fancy or expensive, and you absolutely don’t have to be perfect or an expert while finding joy in something for yourself. I love painting my nails. I do it every week. I’m sloppy as hell and I don’t care. Not one bit. I just pick off the errant drips and smears later. I ignore the rough surfaces or cover them with glitter. Who cares. It’s a joy just for me.
It’s easier to get to your destination if you can see yourself arriving there. Imagine the feeling of accomplishing your thing. Don’t stop til you find it. And if you can’t find it, create it! Forge it. Bring it to life so that you may come back to life.
Now 1,880 days sober I ask myself, “Five years from now, will you be proud of the life you are living?”. And the journey continues…
~ Kristy
