Here we are… it’s real. I’m a published author! This is a dream I’ve held onto since I was only 8 years old. To be honest, third grade Kristy wanted to be a published poet, so I snuck a poem of mine into Recovering Out Loud for good measure. So why has it been so hard to celebrate this big win?

Back when I was still drinking, I didn't know how to celebrate my own victories. Often times any promotion I earned or bike race I won got lost somewhere between the booze, the addiction, and the depression. My default reaction was to assume the results were a fluke. I believed someone would check the numbers again and come back to tell me the victory wasn't mine. Someone will catch that I’m not good enough. Just wait. I don't know where that originates from yet, but that trifecta of powerhouses made it hard to celebrate anything back then.

It came down to one hard truth: I didn't believe in myself.

Once I got sober, however, I decided that needed to change… especially when it came to sobriety milestones. I read a lot about setting small goals for myself and made it a point to celebrate each accomplishment I had, big or small. After surviving a social event sans-booze, I’d told my hand up high as my hubby and I would leave and call victoriously for an energetic high-five. The loud crack of sound punctuated the victories perfectly. Where alcohol hijacks the brain’s reward system by releasing dopamine and teaching it that alcohol = pleasure, taking the time for celebrations and joy for the sobriety milestones teaches the brain to associate the new behaviors with pleasure. This helps further motivate us to repeat the behaviors again for a similar dopamine release (aka pleasure response). Each time I took a moment to cheer myself on “I didn’t drink again tonight!” and truly feel it, I was retraining my brain to find joy in places other than a glass of wine.

When it came to writing my book, I celebrated every checkpoint that came along. Monthly word-count goals, first draft submission, final draft submission. Each of them took a ton of work and more hours at the desk than I imagined, so celebrating was a nice break from the grind as well. In addition to the high-fives and spoonfuls of cookie dough that made up my mini celebrations, I found a brand new non-alcoholic bottle shop opened just miles from my home! Marigold, the first NA bottle shop in Minneapolis, opened their doors with dozens of delicious NA beverages and beautifully curated gifts to up the celebratory traditions even further! I found some of the tastiest NA sparkling rosés and champagnes at Magnolia (two flavors I never enjoyed as a drinker), and I’ve enjoyed celebrating all the major wins with a raised glass of bubbles.

When it came time to receiving my first book in the mail, you would think it would be ready to pop a bottle of NA rosé, but I wasn’t.

For months, the other authors in my cohort and I had been hearing about supply chain delays that would be impacting our planned May 2023 launch dates. I pushed my launch out to June to ensure I would have enough time to get all my pre-ordered copies out before I released the book to the public. But when more delays came through the printing pipeline, further delaying the receipt of my original orders, I started to panic. My author friends were already booking their Launch Events and scheduling book signings, things I couldn’t even fathom doing without physical books in my hands. I felt lost. Helpless. Frozen. It seemed like there was nothing I could do and no certainty in the books’ arrival at all.

In response, I did what any impatient person would do: I ordered 20 books from one of the distributors for myself. Something to hold, to give away, to try and self-promote. Once they arrived, rather than the excitement I had imagined would overwhelm me when I opened that box, it felt like a consolation prize. I was happy but I wasn't joyous. And it didn’t feel like a win. As more delays were whispered about in weekly calls, it became apparent my pre-ordered copies wouldn’t arrive on time for a June 26th launch, so I ordered 3 more boxes and started printing labels to ensure I got them all out to my supporters on time. When those arrived, I still couldn’t reach that feeling of celebration. I signed every book with love and shipped them all out on time, but I was still waiting on that feeling. Still trying to reach that joy.

A week after my public launch, all of my preordered copies arrived on my doorstep. This time, I took a deep breath and carried them into my turquoise home office [Fun Fact: the color of addiction awareness ribbons are turquoise!]. I set the boxes on the floor and made a deal with myself to not open them until I was in a good headspace. One clear of doubt, anxiety, and worry. One void of expectations and fears of failure. I waited until I was calm and content, then walked back into my office to open the boxes and record my own “unboxing moment” to celebrate what an accomplishment it has been to write this book and get it published.

I celebrated this amazing book. Here’s the video and a little story about the cover design… enjoy!

<3 Kristy